Grief and Intimacy: A Hot Topic for Young & Old
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Bereaved Clients and The Loss of Intimacy
In my practice, many of my bereaved clients have experienced the death of a spouse or partner, and along with all the other life changes, there exists the loss of the intimacy which they shared with that person.
Grievers often feel that they have to keep this topic to themselves, and they don’t have a place to express this. In my practice, I encourage grievers to open up about this, because this is a very real and natural part of bereavement that needs to be validated.
Grief impacts sex and sex impacts grief.
Some of the ways in which grief and intimacy are challenging:
If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, you may have a much lower sex drive, because grief is exhausting and takes a lot of energy. Also, many people want to isolate when grieving and don’t necessarily want closeness with others.
Some people want more sexual intimacy, as a distraction and a way to get back some enjoyment, even as they grieve the loss of a loved one. This can sometimes lead to guilt feelings afterwards.
Some people feel judged by others if they engage in social activity and intimacy while mourning.
If you’re the partner of the griever, it may be frustrating to you as you wonder how long it will take for your partner to want the return of intimacy. And while it tests your patience, it can be an uncomfortable topic to address when your partner probably can’t give you a timetable.
For the griever who has lost his/her/their partner, there may be wondering if they will ever know intimacy again, after this loss.
How are Grief and Sex Intertwined?
GRIEF is a physical, emotional and cognitive experience, affecting the body, the emotions and the mind.
SEX is compromised of the same components as well.
The “pain of grief” is emotional as well as deeply physical. Our brain is activated similarly within the experience of emotional and physical pain. As we experience emotional pain, our brains seek out ways to lighten the pain response in the brain.
Sexual activity can give relief from pain or numbness. It’s also a great way to connect, amidst the feeling of isolation in grief.
On the flip side, grief can increase stress chemicals in the brain and can cause an onset of depression or the increase of an already-existing depression.
This situation can make it physiologically harder to feel interested in sex or to get the same pleasure from sexual activity.
Other Grief and Intimacy Experiences
There is another “not unusual” happening relating to grief and intimacy. Some people might seek comfort, affection or sex outside their primary relationship.
Sometimes a grieving parent, for example, might be unable to handle the intensity of their partner’s grief, emotional withdrawal or lack of interest in sex and may seek solace in someone else. The trauma of the death of a loved one can make a griever behave uncharacteristically.
The reason is usually more due to the griever desiring control and some normalcy in the healing process, rather than it being an act of desperation or denial. This may likely be a short-term situation as well, which can be remedied in time, and with communication.
For those who are finding their sex drive to be non-existent, there can be great feelings of guilt about that. They feel that they are depriving their partner, who may see it is a lack of interest and/or attraction.
But the reason may be simply be: grief. And the griever and his/her/their partner may be grieving that loss of intimacy too.
It is important to understand this and communicate it.
Remind your partner also that this is “not” a forever situation. Grievers need time to adjust to the loss of a loved one and the changes that go along with that. And consider, perhaps sometimes, light touching and comfort as acts of love.
Intimacy and Older Couples
Studies report that people in their 60s and beyond consider sexuality a critical component of their life and relationships. However, this age group also experiences a higher percentage of partners who die and leave their spouse grieving the end of this part of their life in addition to the loss of a partner.
Individuals who are older and often in a decades-long relationship often report that they can handle the tasks of everyday living after a partner dies, but they face difficulty adjusting to the void of their sexual intimacy and the understanding and appreciation of each other’s aging and familiar bodies.
Older people find that their physicians, their counselors, therapists, other professionals and even their friends don’t want to have the conversations about sex and love and intimacy related to bereavement. I often ask my clients about this and give them the opportunity to open up about this if they choose to.
A survey showed that most women thought they could talk with friends about the sexual bereavement aspect of their grief, but more said they’d rather have their friend raise the topic first. Despite this fact, more than half of the women surveyed said that it wouldn’t occur to them to raise the topic of sexual bereavement with a widowed friend and they’d also feel embarrassed to ask. The study showed that older women fared worse than younger widows. The older the widow, the less likely she is to talk about this topic. Then, this grief becomes the kind of grief that is not openly acknowledged and shared --- a disenfranchised grief. The full study, acknowledging sexual bereavement: a path out of disenfranchised grief, was published in Reproductive Health Matters.
Here is a podcast about sex and intimacy after grief and loss. The interview guest is Joan Price, a self-described advocate for ageless sexuality.
My advice to those who have a bereaved partner:
Give him or her some time and be patient. Intimacy will return, but it helps to talk about your partner’s feelings about it during the grief.
My advice to those who are grieving:
Give yourself time to figure things out, but communicate about it with your partner, and if you think it could create that bit of enjoyment that you could use, consider it even though it may seem impossible or tiring.
