Grief, Gratefulness, Gatherings – The Many Challenges of Thanksgiving
Why This Year Might Be Extra Challenging
Thanksgiving is this month’s major event, or at least for the majority of people. But, for those grieving, it can be a challenging time, and grievers sometimes want to be a more minor event, if at all.
No matter what you do on Thanksgiving, it is still a holiday centered on family, friendship, warmth, holiday dinner tables, and declarations of thankfulness.
When you’re grieving a loss, this can be very hard to handle.
It takes courage to get through a holiday. Sometimes, it takes a lot of support too. In my grief counseling practice, we spend time on strategies for holiday planning.
4 Things to Keep in Mind
1. It’s Normal to Feel Indifference
It’s very normal, after a death, to feel indifference and disinterest towards events and experiences which once brought you joy. That’s not your fault. It’s the way it is. Grief changes everything. You may feel like you’re standing on the other side of the window, looking in, watching others feel happy while you feel sad.
It is okay to NOT feel grateful. After all, you’ve been dealt a pretty heavy blow when someone you love has died.
2. Give Gratefulness a Try
Even if you don’t feel grateful, you could give it a try. You can acknowledge, even if only in a small way, the support you may have received from family and friends, gratefulness for an invitation to a holiday celebration, and gratefulness for having choices as to how to celebrate. You don’t have to skip the holiday altogether.
3. Skip it
You can skip Thanksgiving if you really feel that you need to be alone. But if you’re worried about looking sad while others are looking happy, don’t let that stop you. Nobody expects you to be the life of the party; they’re just glad for your presence.
4. Start Small
You can try to think of a few things for which you can give thanks. Start small. Think of one little thing that you are thankful for. Then another, then another. You may discover that while the unimaginable has happened in your life, some positives still exit or have come about.
4. Grief Triggers Appear Easily
Grief triggers can and will appear easily at Thanksgiving. Triggers can result from the people you’re spending time with, the foods you are eating, conversation topics with the guests, and photo frames on view, to name a few. Take a deep breath, or excuse yourself for a moment, and allow the grief or the memory to be there.
The New York Times published a feature last year about a newly-widowed person’s Thanksgiving just after her husband died. She talks about being truthful about how you feel and how you want to “do” Thanksgiving after a loss, with honesty, not “faking” joy.
What to Do When Grief Triggers Present Themselves
Try to anticipate them so that you are not caught off guard. Remember to take a deep breath when you feel like you’ve been hit with a trigger, and keep a glass of water nearby, to ground you. You can even think of some phrases to say when people ask you certain questions about your loved one or your grief.
Here are a few suggestions:
Use Your Coping Tools & Strategies
Use your coping tools and strategies at holiday time. (I prepare my clients with ideas and ways of handling situations that may arise). It’s always better to be prepared than caught off guard. It’s ok to let your emotions take hold of you. They are inside of you and cannot be repressed. Let your emotions out, healthfully. Take breaks if you need to. Go outside or into a quiet room.
Don’t Overdo It
Don’t overdo it. Don’t put pressure on yourself to attend every holiday opportunity that comes along, if you are overwhelmed or easily tired out. Grief is tiring. You need time and space to recharge.
It’s okay to decline invitations.
Do Something to Memorialize Your Loved One
Do something to memorialize and honor your loved one on Thanksgiving. It doesn’t have to be anything large-scale, just some moment or activity, so that you are consciously giving time to the grief, by reflecting on the memories and the relationship.
You don’t want to get all caught up in “getting through the holiday” that you ignore the very reason for which you are grieving.
Visit www.jillgriefcounselor.com or email me at jillgriefcounselor@gmail.com to schedule grief counseling sessions.
There’s still time left before Thanksgiving and the upcoming December holidays too.
