The Challenge of Father’s Day for Grievers
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How to Celebrate Father’s Day After a Loss
I know it’s a tough one. Every third Sunday in June, without fail, Father’s Day comes around. Every year, my grieving clients ask me how to handle it, and they share how hard the holiday can be for them.
I tell them that they can choose to honor the day with celebration, or they can choose to let the day pass quietly. There is no right or wrong way to handle a holiday. The best way is the way that makes you the least uncomfortable.
If you feel in the mood to celebrate your father and the memories you created together, the ways he enjoyed living, and the way he handed down his values to you, you can do that.
Play golf, throw a barbecue, take a walk and enjoy the day. Make a meal he really enjoyed. Participate in an activity that gave him joy. Watch one of his favorite movies, if that feels okay.
This is one way to handle Father’s Day.
Storytelling, sharing great memories about time with your Dad can be a positive experience.
Here’s an article about how storytelling can add to your Father’s Day.
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
What if you’re a Dad who lost a child?
Grieving can also be hard on Father’s Day when it is the FATHER who is grieving the loss of his child, radically changing his role as “father.”
The website for grieving Dads offers a lot of information on this topic. Take a look.
Another way to handle Father’s Day is “doing nothing.”
If your grief is too overwhelming, you can just surrender to the day and try to let it just pass quietly. It’s your day, so it’s your choice as to how to spend it. You should feel free to take a pass on any festivities that might make you uncomfortable.
If anyone asks, you can say something like:
“I’m just not up to it this year”.
“I am really grieving at holidays like this”.
“I really appreciate the invitation, hopefully next year”.
“It’s too hard for me”.
Then, spend the day in a way that could make you feel supported, loved and calm.
If you can avoid difficult or upsetting situations whenever possible, it’s the best way of taking care of yourself and honoring your grieving status. Understand that when you are grieving, you have your own special needs that are important. (We sometimes call it “The Mourner’s Bill of Rights”).
Grief is Overwhelming. Do it your way.
Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash
There is another way to spend Father’s Day too. You can acknowledge that Father’s Day is a day to honor your Father in some way, even if privately and quietly. Do something personally to acknowledge him, even in a small way. Write him a note. Draw a picture. Prepare or eat a special food which he enjoyed. Light a candle, buy a book, if he was a reader. Watch a tv show or movie you enjoyed with him. It can be a very personal way of celebrating Dad. A little can really be a lot, especially if it’s meaningful.
One Grieving Goal
Remember, one of the goals in grieving is to not judge yourself on how you’re grieving. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The way to grieve is the way which comes naturally to you. Nobody should judge another’s grief or grieving behavior. And you should not judge your own either.
Honor the truth. This “Hallmark card day” Father’s Day is a hard day for someone whose Dad has died. You have every right to be sad that your Dad is not physically here with you any longer.
