Grief is a complicated and personal thing that everyone experiences differently. That's why, if someone else is the one grieving, it can be hard to know what to say to them. During such a painful and sensitive time, no one wants to say the wrong thing and make matters worse, but this hesitation is also what can keep us from saying the right thing. So, we talked to Jill Cohen, a New York City family grief counselor, for some general guidance about what to say to someone who lost a loved one or a family member.

For starters, she encourages people not to hesitate to reach out to someone who is going through grief. It's common for people to worry that bringing up the death will be uncomfortable or will make the person who is grieving sad, but, as a client once told Cohen about this thought process, "It's not like if you don't bring it up, I'll forget that my dad died." Letting a person know you're thinking of them can help bring their grief into the light and make the experience feel less like something they have to go through all alone. You can also think of it like this: Just as it would be appropriate to send a "Get Well Soon" card to someone who was in an accident and was physically injured, it's also appropriate to acknowledge when someone is grieving and in emotional pain.

Of course, the way you reach out (by phone call, text, letter, etc.) and what you should say will depend on the situation and your relationship with the person who's grieving. So, to get a better idea of what to say, what not to say, and how to say something without using any words at all, keep reading below.

One of the most common phrases people say to someone who is grieving is "I'm sorry for your loss." While Cohen says this phrase isn't particularly harmful to say, it can get redundant and lack meaning. So, she says it's better to try to personalize the statement however you can. You can directly acknowledge the bereaved person's pain by saying something like, "I can't imagine how hard this must be," or "I was so sorry to hear the news about your loved one."

Then, if you knew the deceased personally, you can mention something about them, like, "I know how important they were to you," or "They were always so kind and caring." If you didn't know the deceased, saying, "I'm thinking of you" is also a simple way to let someone know that you care without feeling quite as formal as, "I'm sorry for your loss."